Here lately whenever I go on the internet, one of the things I would do most commonly is either talk to people on XMPP or just watch some internet videos (consoom if you will). I haven't been very productive whatsoever. However, the guilt didn't truly get to me until about a week ago when I started to realize something even worse. I am reinventing myself only to destroy myself.
But why? Why am I doing this to myself? Well at first I either wasn't sure or I was kind of sure but couldn't really put it into words. Now, I think I've confirmed what is going on here. Whether I want to admit it or not, I care too much about what others think. Not only do I try to be my best self, but for some reason I often feel obligated to keep starting from a fresh slate even over minor mistakes. Most people wouldn't nuke their account for a service and make a new one unless they were at high risk of getting banned and/or if they screwed up big time and need to go anonymous. I on the other hand have made this pretty extreme decision somewhat regularly. I can only think of one or two fresh slates off the top of my head that were even done reasonably, yet I've started over at least seven times, and some of those times I'd be gone for months. A few days ago I briefly considered doing that yet again, but I know that isn't going to truly change anything.
I've become cynical. I'm either intimidated by the people around me who are much smarter and more valuable than I am, or I'm disappointed in myself for ending up more like the memeing idiots. This usually just stops me from talking in chatrooms as much, but here lately I've also become paranoid that some of my friends don't really want to be around me. It doesn't help that I've basically warped in and out of existence at this point, so it makes sense why I'd be worried whether or not they've had it with me if I can't even do something as simple as stay put (especially when often times I do so without a heads up). It also doesn't help that like I mentioned earlier, I lean more towards the silly memeish side of people rather than the serious people. I know I shouldn't just throw away who I am, but something needs to change.
I've come to realize now that the root of many of my problems stems from an insecurity I've neglected to resolve for years now. Being unemployed, lazy, talentless, and nihilistic. These things weigh me down on a nearly daily basis and yet I've done nothing about it because I'm worried that all my effort will be for nothing. I worry about this because I'm told that being a wagie blows and that your so called country doesn't give a rat's ass about you. I'm afraid I'm going to have to go through the wagie life before I can even consider greener pastures. Many of the alternatives to this life I've seen are either near pipe dreams or literally just the cyber equivalent of the wagie life. Trying to make bank off of YouTube is a stupidly bad idea and making bank off of cryptocurrency isn't as easy as it looks (and crypto is apparently bad for the electrical grid).
I have a long way to go. I even have some other unfinished goals I need to take care of before I even think about getting a job, but I think I'm finally determined to make an earnest attempt to try for once. Just so you know, this isn't goodbye. I'll probably even still be around somewhat regularly. However, I will make sure to keep moving forward. I will also make sure to treat my friends with respect and not with unwarented skepticism and malice.